25 Reasons
by Sandwich Theorem
Summary: Discontinued due to lack of inspiration and copious amounts of grammatical errors and things of that nature.
1. Dudley Stole his Precious

**REASON 1: DUDLEY STOLE HIS WEED**

A fat pudgy boy that resembled a pig walked into his cousin's room.

'It has to be around here somewhere,' he said to himself, 'he can't have hid it that well. He opened all the drawers, and then he came to one that revealed his underwear (if you can call them that). He picked one up in his pudgy little hands and held it across from his eyes.

"Damn," he said, "these are small. He really has no arse. Although," he held them up to the designated spot, or lowered them, and stared at himself in the full length mirror. "I would look totally sexy in these; then again, I look good in everything." The human pig threw the leopard printed boxers on the floor and continued to rummage through Harry's things, but he didn't notice that attached to the leopard printed boxers were Care-Bear boxers, and everyone knows about Dudley's secret infatuation with Care-Bears (his fourteenth birthday was Care-Bear themed). "Where the hell is it!!?" He said, yelling this time. He walked over to the bed and noticed a floorboard that went slightly up when he stepped on its end. 'It can't be because of my physique,' he thought running his hands through his many curves, 'that must be where his stash is.' The human pig crouched down, with great effort, and picked up the floor board. Sure enough, there lay a brown paper bag. Dudley reached into the hole and forced his hand inside the hole to retrieve the bag. He opened it slightly and saw what he had been looking for: a brown paper bag. He ran out of Harry's room and jumped down the steps shaking up the neighborhood, and possibly, the world.

* * *

AT THE WIZARDING WORLD:

A man that resembled a snake sat in his fluffy chair with a boa (that refers to the fluffy things rich people sometimes wear to make themselves look like animals) around his neck. His snake, Nagini, was circling around him while his 'loyal' followers sat in groups of two sipping (chugging) their tequilas. The Dark Lord with a fluffy boa rose up from his seat and walked over to his followers.

"Today, we dance," he exclaimed receiving yelps of appreciation and excitement. The others rose as Nagini started the disco music, but as soon as they got positioned to dance, they all collapsed from a sudden tremble in the floor.

"What the hell was that!!!" shouted the Dark Lord with the fluffy boa, angry that someone would dare interrupt his disco party.

"Are the giants on the move again?" said one named Snape.

"No," answered Bellatrix, "my sources tell me it is a pig of some sort jumping at privet drive.

"What exactly are your sources?" asked Lucius as he helped his dance partner, Snape, get up. Then, Nagini got the stereo to work and they began their 'Funky-Jam Dance Party of the Evil Boa-Wearers' as they called it.

* * *

BACK AT PRIVET DRIVE:

Harry rushed inside after feeling the sudden quakes in the earth, only to be encountered by his favorite uncle, Uncle Vernon.

"Was that you boy!! Did you do this!! Oh you'll get it now!!" said Vernon whom resembled a pig too, but a much older one. He had Harry's collar in his fist and raised him a few inches from that ground. As if responding to his question, Dudley arrived from down the stairs and showed his father what he could do, the brown bag tucked away safely in his drawers (if you know what I mean). Vernon released Harry, but he stared at him with a look that said 'I-will-kill-you-while-you-sleep'. Harry walked upstairs to his room, but when he opened the door, he knew something was wrong.

'Why are my favorite care bear boxers on the floor? Without them, I can't do my care bear stare.' He thought to himself. He went to pick up his lovely boxers and noticed the loose floor board. "Oh no he didn't," he said as he thought of the worst. He slowly leaned over to peek inside, and then he saw it, or rather, didn't see it. "My weed!! My precious weed!! DUDLEY!!!" he yelled. Shockingly enough, nobody heard him say weed (muggles seemed oblivious of the word whenever it was mentioned), but Dudley heard him shout his name. Dudley quickly ran out the door sending quakes to all corners of the world. Harry reached into his trunk and threw out everything, even the invisibility cloak and the Marauders Map. He finally got to the very bottom and took out his wand from the pair of socks Dobby gave him for Christmas. He ran out the door, wand in his hand, and quickly cast a spell to stop the shakes. Seconds later, he received an owl holding a letter. He took the letter and read it:

_Dear Harry,_

_Thank you for stopping the pig from interrupting our Funky-Jam Dance Party of the Evil Boa-Wearers._

_Love forever,_

_Dark Lord with a Boa._

He threw it aside after reading it and resumed the act of getting his weed back from Dudley.

Meanwhile…

Dudley thought he had outsmarted his cousin by going into his 'secret' hiding place. He crouched down with the bag in his hands and assumed the fetal position. Not soon afterwards, Dudley's thuggish pig-like friends came along.

"You got the weed, Dudders," said the one that was more baboon-like.

"Yea, where's the weed," said the other.

"I've got it right here, just like I said I would." He said flaunting the bag back and forth. All three looked at it greedily, excited to get a piece of it. The baboon took out the lighter while the other one made sure they were isolated, and Dudley, Dudley took out the weed. They each lit their own smoke and got high, together. Harry was still running, blind with fury.

"I smell it," he said, "my precious, I'll be there soon." He went where his nose led him and ended up in front of Dudley's gang, his high gang.

"What's up with the chicken at the end of the road?" asked the other as if drunk.

"You retard, we're high not drunk." Said the baboon as he tried to smack the other up side the head but hit himself instead.

"Hey, the chicken is flying! Fly beautiful chicken! Fly and be free! We will be together dear hippo of the lake." Yelled Dudley. His goons began to tear up, and Harry just stared with anger.

"I am not a chicken!" he yelled, "Although I am beautiful."

"That was beautiful Dudley," said the other completely ignoring Harry. "A tragic love story with romance, violence, and angst."

"THAT'S MY WEED YOU'RE USING!!" yelled Harry louder than ever. Once again, the animals completely ignored him and went on with their smoking. Fed up with their insolence, he went over and pulled out the weed from their mouths. He then got the bag, his bag, the bag with his precious, and ran back to his room where he could be alone. Dudley and his goons remained sitting, still talking about flying hippo's and beautiful chickens.

Harry trudged up the stairs, ignoring the yells from his ancient pig-like uncle, and went to his corner with his precious brown bag. He too assumed the fetal position, but he didn't do just that, he did more than that, he rocked back and forth as well.

"Don't cry my precious, precious is safe now. There is nothing to fear. You are home with me my precious," said Harry all the while caressing the bag.

"But surely you will get back at that pig. He took us and must be punished." Responded the weed.

"Finally you talk to me, after all these months! I thought I was talking to myself."

"We were testing you. Now about the pig-"

"I will destroy the pig and make him a hippo. How does that sound?"

"Wonderful. Bwa ha ha ha ha."

"You have a beautiful laugh my precious."

"Thank you master. But you must do something else, something more than that. You must do something that will hurt him above all. You must become angsty and emo."

"I don't see how that will help, my precious."

"DARE YOU DEFY THE PRECIOUS!!" said the weed in a tone eerily identical to Dumbledore's.

"Of course not. I will do as you say, my precious," finished Harry as he dosed off to sleep.

* * *

BACK AT THE WIZARDING WORLD:

The dark lord officially changed his title to dark lord with a boa in the middle of the Funky-Jam Dance Party of the Evil Boa-Wearers. Everyone, of course, went along with it.

"I'm soo tired Lucius. Let's sit down," said Snape to his dance partner.

"I'm pooped as well," replied Lucius. The dance partners walked towards the seats which had remained unmoved the whole time. Voldemort, at the moment, was doing the worm with Nagini, until he caught sight of them.

"Ahem," he said loudly. Nagini cut off the music and everybody turned to the Dark Lord. "This party will not stop until I say so. If anyone tries to sit and or stop dancing, they will have to face the wrath of the evil French eating bunnies. Is that understood," he said glancing at Lucius and Snape which stood up quickly. "Good, now dance!! Dance until your feet bleed and fall off from hypothermia!!!"

A/N: for those that don't know and have played Prince of Persia, the fetal position is the position the guy is in when he finishes seeing a vision.

A/A/N: this was my first fanfic…flames are welcome…somewhat encouraged…reviews are good too…

A/A/A/N: I thought it was kind of weird…but still…I posted it…


	2. Sirius Saw Him in the Act

REASON 2: SIRIUS WALKED IN ON HIM

**Disclaimer**: I didn't know you had to put this in yourself…so…I don't own Harry potter or any of the characters…but I will…mark my words J.K.R. I will own it!!!!!!

A/N: thank you to my only reviewer…you make life worth living for…tear

I know what you all are thinking…I can read minds…you think Harry will be doing something bad and perverse…well he might…and he might not…Mwa ha ha ha ha!!! I control it!!! Just read on…

A/A/N: I thought this one was rather short.

For those wondering what happened to the lovely party last time hosted by our favorite boa-wearing villain, they all woke up drunk. And some, well, some got lucky (hint hint) and others got rejected (coughBellatrixcough), and others turned into rats and squirmed away as Nagini tried to eat them (as instructed by the evil boa-wearer). Now...

* * *

back to Harry and his emo-ness

The time had finally come fro Harry to go to 12 Grimmauld Place. He packed his bags and headed outside. As he picked up his head from the ground, he ran towards Ron who quickly ran away and ended up somewhere in Australia.

"OH MY GOSH!!! YOU GOT THE WIENER-MOBILE!!! AND ON A SATURDAY!!!" yelled an overly anxious, overly harmonic Harry. The group waiting for him all took out their wands and aimed at him.

"Avada kedavra!" shouted Snape.

"What are you doing Severus!" yelled a red-in-the-face Dumbledore, "Do you know all of the paper work we'd have to fill out if we killed him in front of muggles. How many times have I told you-"

"Don't kill off of school grounds," finished Snape, "I know filthy Harry lover, but worry not, I will kill you when the time comes." Said Snape, a bit too loud.

"On school grounds of course," said Dumbledore as he climbed into the front of the wiener-mobile and started the 'car'. They headed off to headquarters (without Ron) in the lovely car Harry kept licking.

"Harry!" yelled Sirius as he hugged his only relative that had not yet turned to the dark side, yet.

"Sirius," replied Harry trying to keep his bipolarity in tact. 'Damn,' he though, 'he's crushing my weed! I can hear them now, their poor screams, 'Help us Harry! Help us!''

Harry quickly pulled away from the hug and stroked his pot o' wonders.

"Harry, where are you going?" asked Hermione while trying to keep up with the new angsty Harry as he was running up the stairs. He turned around, collected air in his lungs (for the small price of 14.95 plus shipping and handling (imported air)), and then he yelled:

"NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!! YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING!!! I'M SO ALONE IN THE WORLD!!!" Of course, everyone ignored him because of Sirius' mother. Yes, his mother, she was the only one that payed attention, but after he finished yelling, she responded by yelling:

"FILTHY MUGGLE LOVER!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU URINAL INFECTUOUS SCUM!!!" Harry stormed off and ran into his room.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Moldybutt declared it illegal to wear any color but pink on Tuesdays, and purple on Thursdays…and the much dreaded leopard-print kilt uniforms instead of the black cloaks.

"Grrr…we show off our legs." was the new slogan the Boa-Wearer had thought of for his group. "Aren't you all excited about the changes I've made!!"

"No not really," murmured the dissatisfied members.

"WHAT?!" said Moldybutt with flames in his eyes and pitchfork in hand.

"We love them master…" they all said while cowering in fear. Moldybutt smiled and skipped away happily while poking Peter with his new pitchfork.

* * *

Back at Headquarters:

"Harry… psst, Harry," whispered Harry's masters. Harry looked around stupidly to see who was calling for him. "HARRY YOU STUPID INGRATE!!! TURN AROUND!!!" He turned around and looked at his paper bag. Carefully but slowly, he took out its contents and lay them on his bed, all 13 of them.

"Are you alright, I know Sirius tried to crush you, but I stopped him. I stopped him good." He said with a stupid grin of satisfaction on his face.

"Yes, good job, but you must get him back. Get him back in a way that will crush his spirit and destroy his reason for living!"

"How, but how?"

"Are you too stupid to think boy! You are his only reason for living. And he wants you to be a great hero. So, you must…" they said slowly to make sure he caught every word of it.

"I get it! I have to eat bread!!!"

"NO!!! You must show him that you are a pansy. And to do that, you must…"

"Eat bread?"

"NO!!! You don't have to eat bread!!! As a matter of fact, you may never eat bread again!!!" Harry began to tear up and wailed like a child that lost his lollipop.

"No more bread," he said as he sniffled.

"You must do the unthinkable,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

"Anything but that."

"It's the only way."

"Only for you. I love you guys." And then Harry crushed them with a hug.

"Harry!" yelled Sirius from downstairs, "Where are you?"

"Quick boy, get ready to do the plan." Said the weed in a sinister voice. Harry yelled for Kreacher and his masters filled him in on the plan.

"Anything for you," said Kreacher. He turned to look at Harry and winked at him.

"Everybody get into position. Any second now." Harry and Kreacher went to the corner. Harry got on his knees and was centimeters away from Kreacher's face. They both tilted their heads the opposite way and leaned in.

"Harry, are you in here!" yelled Sirius. He turned the doorknob and opened the door only to reveal…Harry and Kreacher making out!!!!!!!

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING!? YOU LEAVE AND TEHN I FIND YOU MAKING OUT WITH AN ELF!!! A MAN ELF!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

"Sirius," said Harry pulling away from Kreacher, "We love each other."

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS!!!"

"Names don't matter," said Kreacher, "love will conquer all." Sirius ran towards Kreacher, grabbed him by the collar, and threw him out the door and down the stairs.

"Everything went according to planned," said the weed still using its sinister voice. Harry went back to his corner and cried for his lost love.

* * *

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled all the Death Eaters as they fled with terror.

"What," said Moldybutt, "It was just the breeze. Besides, I think my legs are sexy. Don't you." He said picking up his skirt to reveal two white, veiny legs that resembled twigs. "COME BACK AND ADORE MY LEGS!!!!!" he yelled as he ran towards them.

A/N: Ha ha!!! He didn't do anything _that_ perverted. I've never read of that pair so I made it!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!

A/A/N: Has anyone hear the name for the new and last Harry Potter book…it's…Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!!!

A/A/A/N: A hallow is a ritual to sanctify something…I looked it up…


	3. Buckbeak Kicked Him where it Hurts

REASON 3: BUCKBEAK KICKED HIM WHERE IT HURTS

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter; however, I do own Buckbeak's 'destructive' behavior towards Harry. XD

A/N: Thanks to my one and only reviewer…Santa must have given you many gifts…if anyone else reads this, please review so that I may acknowledge your existence…it also boosts my self-esteem up about three notches.

Previosly: Ron fled from a wiener-crazed Harry and ended up in Australia.

Harry lost his one true love: Kreacher (they still don't know each other's name).

Voldemort showed off his legs (and a bit more than that) to Death Eaters.

They are now questioning whether or not they should follow the nose-less wizard.

* * *

Harry lay weeping in his room, in the corner of course, and refused to come out.

"Oh come on Harry," said Hermione through the door, "Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic, you didn't even know that…thing."

"I'm being melodramatic!!! I just lost my love!!!! How do you expect me to react?!"

"But you didn't even know him; you don't even know who he is."

"That doesn't matter!" said Harry now crying into his arms, "It was love at first sight." Harry sighed the kind of sigh that makes you wonder how you ever came to be friends with the person giving off the sigh and Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Fine then, you'll just have miss the flavorful wieners Mrs.Weasley prepared." Yelled Hermione as she walked away haughtily.

"Well," considered Harry, "I do like wieners." And with that, he skipped down the stairs excitedly while he was having naughty thoughts about Kreacher.

* * *

"Does no one like my legs!!!" yelled an exasperated Voldemort.

"I adore your legs!" replied an eager Bellatrix with a lustful look in her eyes. She got up from her chair and attempted to gracefully stride over to Moldybutt but it was more of an I-want-you-so-much-I'm-willing-to-break-my-neck-five-times-just-so-that-I-can-get-close-to-you walk. Wormtail looked at her angrily as she neared the Dark Lord.

"Who does she think she is!!? Walking to him in a graceful manner!! Admiring his legs!!! That should be me not her!!!" he thought to himself. Bellatrix was now mere feet away from Moldybutt and all the Death Eaters stared attentively just to see what the Dark Lord would do. He picked up his leg, revealing a pair of leopard printed boxers, (the same ones Harry had lying around in his room, how Voldemort got hold of them, no one knows, not even Harry, but when he realizes they are gone, emotions will roar) and kicked Bellatrix squarely in the face. She first sighed with pleasure at having seen her majesty's undergarments, and then she lost consciousness and lay on the floor.

"Pick up the mess will you Peter," said Moldybutt in a bored tone.

"Certainly master," replied Wormtail with a smile on his face.

* * *

"Harry, dear, do you know where Ron is. I haven't seen him since you got here." said Mrs.Weasley to Harry as he walked into the kitchen. He thought back to the day he got here, and he remembered Ron running. 'Ha ha ha…he looked like a chicken running. He is a chicken. Oh my gosh!!! Ron is a chicken!!!' he thought to himself as he laughed aloud. Everybody, as in everybody in the order, stared at him in disbelief. Harry… is laughing, in public!!!! Everyone was shocked at this new found emotion. It seemed like he could do more than just be sad and gloomy and emo. In the cupboard under the stove lay an old man elf, though he could easily be mistaken for a woman elf.

"Could it be?" he asked himself, "Could that be my love? He has returned to me!!!!" Back in the kitchen, the guests had not yet recovered from shock of Happy Harry, and to make matters worse, they would be scarred in the worst possible way in mere seconds. Kreacher jumped out from his cupboard and stormed into the kitchen.

"MY LOVE!!!!!!!!" he exclaimed as he ran towards Harry. Harry outstretched his arms to embrace the running rat. Kreacher jumped into his arms and they began to snog each other, once again. Sirius rose from his seat at once and walked angrily towards the reunited lovers.

"You will not molest my godson any further!!!" he yelled at Kreacher. And with that, he separated them from each other with great effort. Kreacher was once again thrown out and Harry was left alone, loveless and hopeless.

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM AWAY AGAIN!!!?" he yelled with tears forming in the pits of his eyes.

"HE'S A FILTHY ANIMAL!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!!!!"

"YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!!! FOR ONCE, I LOVE SOMEONE BUT YOU WON'T LET ME BE WITH HIM!!!!!" Harry ran back up to his room and cried wildly. He needed the comfort of his only friends, all 13 of them.

"That was cruel, Sirius," said Tonks as she walked out.

"Yeah, even He-who-must-not-be-named would do that." Said Lupin.

"Yea," said Fred.

"Really heartless," said George. Soon enough, Sirius was left alone in the kitchen with no one to love. Unlike Harry though, he could deal with depression and not become emo. Harry ran upstairs and plopped down on his bed nearly squashing his 13 best friends.

"Take one of us," said his friends, "we know you need it." He hastily took one and lit it with his wand.

"You guys are so considerate," he said while still crying.

"We just want you to be happy to do our bidding."

"I thought you wanted me to be emo??"

"We want you to be whatever you feel like being, have it be a cross dresser or a bulimic idiot. But we do want you to be emo."

"I see…" Harry took one of his many friends and walked off to find a room where he could be alone. He walked and walked and walked around the house many times in a circle, when he finally came to a stop in front of a door with a gold plated handle which he had passed countless tomes before.

"This will do he said to himself." He opened the door and saw Buckbeak eating some hay. Buckbeak lifted his head and looked at him with a look of deep hatred. He turned to face the opposite corner of the room to where he wouldn't be disgusted by Harry or his insolence.

"Hey there Buckbeak," said Harry completely oblivious to the obvious attempt Buckbeak was doing to avoid him.

"FHM!!!" replied Buckbeak, which translated to _I hate you, you scum from the bottom of my shoe!!!._

"Yea, I love you too." Said Harry. Buckbeak sighed in exasperation (if a Hippogriff is capable of sighing is beyond my knowledge, but in this fan-fic, they can).

"Because I love you sooooo much, I'll let you catch a whiff, smoke a smoke, inhale a bit, 'cus you and I are homies now bro." Harry inched towards the overgrown hippogriff, which had gained a couple of pounds over the years, with his arm outstretched, offering him the weed.

"Just a little more," thought Buckbeak, "a bit more".

"My love!!!!" yelled Kreacher from the door. "I have been searching for you for years and days, now, we can be together once more!!!" Buckbeak's jaw dropped to the floor when he saw Kreacher walk in with a lustful look in his eyes.

"SCREW ALL THIS!!!!" he thought to himself, "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS ANYMORE!!!!!" He raised his hind legs just enough to reach Harry and extended them just as Kreacher was about to jump onto Harry's back and embrace him lovingly. It hit Harry where it hurt him most. He flew across the room and fell on top of Kreacher.

"WHY THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!!!!! You offer someone weed and this is how they treat you." Kreacher helped him up by nudging him in the highest part he could reach: his butt. "Thank you my love, I love you!!!" he exclaimed at the middle-aged man-elf. "But now I can't reproduce thanks to somebody in this room with four legs and overgrown wings." He said while glaring at Buckbeak. Buckbeak grunted and attempted to hit Harry once more, but then, Sirius came in.

"Harry, I've thought of what you said an- WHAT THE HELL!!!! YOU'RE HERE?!! AGAIN!!! AND WITH HIM!!! HOW DARE YOU MOLEST HIM AGAIN!!!!"

Kreacher smirked and, with a maniacal tone, replied. "Oh, but we molest each other. Isn't that right my love." Harry looked down, still grabbing himself, and decided to ignore his 'love' for now. "DAMN OVERGROWN HORSE!!! YOU HIT MY BALLS!!! NOW I'M STERILE!!! HOW WILL I PASS ON THESE HANDSOME GENES FOR FEATURE GENERATIONS TO ENJOY IF I CAN'T EJACULATE SPERM!!!YPUN HAVE DESTROYED THE HANDSOMEST BLOODLINE EVER!!!" Sirius looked around from Harry to Kreacher to Buckbeak, and within ten seconds he understood it all. Suddenly, he collapsed on the floor and began to laugh hysterically.

"You mean- he kicked- wow, I didn't know you had any balls." Harry turned red, astonished that his godfather questioned his masculinity and decided he would prove himself.

"I do have balls!!! Look!!!" he said as he pulled down his pants and boxers. Right at that moment, Ron appeared.

"I'm back from Romania!!!" he announced.

"You were in Australia you filthy blood traitor." corrected Kreacher. Ron stuck out his tongue at Kreacher and then his gaze traveled to Harry's legs and worked their way up. He took in the complete view, and then became fixated in one particular area.

"Wow, Harry, I always thought you were a bit bigger, a couple inches bigger. But you're smaller than Trelawney after she's taken Viagra." He said as he, too, went into a fit of hysterics. Harry turned even redder than before and, to the great appreciation of most living things, pulled up his pants.

"I AM BIG…IT'S JUST THAT…THE HORSE ON STEROIDS KICKED ME AND SHRUNK THEM!!!" he yelled as he tried to contain his groans of pain. However, despite his desperate antics, nobody listened, and they all continued to laugh at his microscopic genitals.

"SHUT UP!!! ALL OF YOU!!! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!!" he yelled while running back to his room with shrieks of pain every second. At this point, no one could contain their laughter, and Harry was left to wallow in his self-pity with his immense pain

and nano-sized privates.

* * *

It was movie night at the Death Eater/Fruit Eaters headquarters.

"Everybody come watch this, if you look closely you can see a twig between his legs!!!" yelled the Dark Lord while still showing off his legs.

"Look at what master?" asked Nagini.

"It's Harry's life!!!! Isn't it wonderful!!!" he replied revealing a pair of crooked, brown teeth. Wormtail licked his lips as he saw his master's teeth.

"They're perfect," he said to himself, "I love him now more than ever." The Dark Lord saw Wormtail staring at him, and then he realized the obvious: its way better to look at me and my sexiness than Harry Potter.

"Thanks to Wormtail, I have hade the greatest idea ever!!!" he announced as he rose from his chair. "Instead of movie night, we will admire me and my beauty!!!" A couple of Death Eaters laughed as they heard this, mainly Snape and Lucius, but they were soon taken care of.

A/N: I'm still confused as to whether Harry is a boxers or briefs kind of guy. Voldemort seems more like boxers to me, but Harry could go either way.

A/A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. I've been busy with school and other crap, but I'm still alive.

A/A/AN: Are these too many notes??? Answer by reviewing and you get a prize which will be revealed in the next chapter. Don't miss out on the excitement.


	4. Moldybutt Stole his Second Precious

REASON 4: VOLDEMORT STOLE HIS SECOND PRECIOUS

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or his boxers…well…I might own his boxers…but I don't want them…

A/N: to those who reviewed, you can have your pick, a giant cookie the size of Dudley's ass, or Harry's boxers (somebody take the boxers!!!! PLEASE!!! I don't want them!!!)

To those that read it but didn't comment, you get slapped with a fish!!! That's right, a big, slimy, scaly fish that's nose-less just like our favorite flamboyant Dark Lord.

A/A/N: This one may be perverted, but I do have a good number of metaphors!!!

"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener!!!

Yes that is what I truly want to be!!!

For if I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener,

The world would be in love with me!!!!"

sang Harry as he strolled through the halls of his godfather's house with a laundry basket in hand. He was excited at getting off scotch free at the hearing and even more excited because it was that time if the month again at the manor: laundry day. The last laundry day in fact before the 'children' had to board the Hogwarts Express and be relieved from the care of their parents. Yes it was, and Harry was excited because of one thing and one thing only: he would be able to go back to the place that he felt was home. Sure he had people that loved him (and some that wanted to molest him  Kreacher), but at Hogwarts he had more. He had one in particular that he loved, but that one particular person somewhat ignored him, or as he liked to think of it, was too ashamed of his feelings to show them. Either way, it brought down his self esteem about three notches. He sang gaily through the main room and made his way up to his room to collect his pile of laundry and his favorite pair of boxer shorts. Normally it was Kreacher's duty, but Harry decided to give him a day off for being a 'good boy' this summer, especially at night when he tucked him into bed (amongst other things).

"Harry?!" yelled Ron quizzically from across the hall, "Are you doing LAUNDRY?! But you hate laundry, you said so yourself last year when you forced Dobby to wash your wardrobe with a paddle and handcuffs."

"Shh…" said Harry as he ran over to cover his friend's mouth. "Kreacher must never hear of the handcuff 'incident' with Dobby. He needn't know," ha said walking away now with a smirk on his face. "Just like Hermione doesn't need to know of what happened in the boys dormitories on the last day of term."

"Right," said Ron nervously while he backed away, "nobody needs to know anything." Satisfied with Ron's response, Harry returned to his duties and continued to skip merrily to his room which was only three steps away.

* * *

The Dark Lord, or as his followers liked to call him, The Dark Lord That Was Previously Dark But Has Lost His Darkness Due To His Encounters With Muggle Items And The Loss of the Darkest Villain Title To A Fossil So Ugly He Had To Conceal His Face With A Hood And Pretended To Choke People When He Raised His Hand, but the Death Eaters soon gave up that name for some people died while trying to say it because of a lack of oxygen, was running around prancing in his underwear, or rather, the underwear he stole from Harry and Claimed as his.

"Come Peter/Wormtail and witness my Care-Bear stare!!" he yelled. Peter gladly ran up to his master and licked him with his eyes (that means he looked at him closely form head to toes for those with perverted minds out there) while also wishing he could lick him with something else. Bellatrix glared and burned a hole in Peter's back with her glare. 'That should be me,' she thought enviously, 'I should be the one Master should be gracing with his Care- Bear stare.'

"Come closer Peter," said the Dark Lord, only causing Bellatrix's stare to have more intensity than ever before. "CLOSER!!" he commanded. Peter crawled closer and closer until he was face to face, or rather face to chest, with the Dark Lord.

"Look up Peter," he said. "Now look down." Peter looked down an glorified the sight he was witnessing. "Now look all around." And indeed he did. He took in every wrinkle, every visible vein, every hairless inch of pale, scaly skin of his Master and grinned stupidly like a pre-teen school boy that just got his first kiss. Wormtail, too distracted to notice everything around him, seemed oblivious to the fact that the Dark Lord had raised his wand at him and was about to aim a curse.

"Avada Kedavra!!" yelled the almost-naked Dark Lord many times. Peter finally grew aware of his surroundings and tried desperately to dodge his master's attacks.

"Dance Peter! Dance!!!" yelled the Dark Lord while still shooting at Peter.

* * *

After many minutes of pacing back and forth at his door, Harry finally decided to go in, thinking only of what he wish he could be doing with his favorite boxers at Hogwarts, not many days away. He walked in, acting out the motions he would do if he were alone in a candle-lit room with a velvet bed and edible panties, not noticing that something in his room was missing. He picked up his clothes mindlessly while going through the motions and was about to walk out when catastrophe struck.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY TUBE SOCKS ARE GONE!!!!!" he yelled as he kneeled on the floor and picked up the two closest pieces of cloth. Upon sniffing them, he realized those were his socks and stuffed him in the laundry basket when catastrophe struck once more.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! THEY SMELL BAD!!!!!" he yelled in hopes that they would suddenly begin to smell like flowers, but to no avail. He walked once more, accepting the fact that his body odor had taken over when catastrophe struck for one last time.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY FAVORITE PAIR OF CARE-BEAR BOXERS, WITH WICH I DO MY CARE-BEAR STARE, ARE GONE!!!!!" Fed up with the noise, weed #12 rose from his designated spot in the brown paper bag on Harry's bed and decided he would attempt to scar him emotionally.

"Harry," it said in a consoling voice, "What is troubling you? I must know because when you are troubled, we are troubled."

"It's just that," he said sniffling, "my favorite pair of boxers are gone!!!" Harry broke down into a crying fit and lunged himself at the bed to grasp the white stick for comfort.

"There's only one logical thing to do." Said weed #12 while trying to escape the deadly grip he was locked in.

"Eat bread?"

"NO YOU INGRATE!! DIDN'T WE SAY YOU WERE NEVER TO EAT BREAD!!!" it yelled at a tear drenched Harry. "No, what you must do is be even more emo-er and angsty-er than before."

"I see," said Harry as he ribbed his chin with an evil grin. "That way, the maximum capacity of a two ton boulder will be three and cosmos is four. It makes perfect sense."

"Of course it does, would we ever lie to you. Now put your game face on and show the world how emo you can be. Harry ran excitedly out of the room with a look of constipation and began to yell at everybody in sight. Thus began the terror that is now Harry, the emo golden boy.

* * *

Three hours later, the Dark Lord grew tired of shooting at his rat of a servant and resided to other issues.

"Sir," said Peter on the floor and panting, "I thought the Care-Bear stare would be different." He thought back to that time in Harry's third year when they were alone in the tree, only he and the teenage golden boy.

"Really," replied the Dark Lord somewhat annoyed.

"Well, it's just that, I saw Harry do it differently," he said, going back to his spineless self.

"You saw him do it?" he asked, picturing bad stuff in his mind.

"Well, yea, and it was lovely," he sighed. The Dark Lord pouted, saddened by the fact that one of his followers preferred Harry's forms of fun rather than his own.

A/N: Moldybutt might be turning emo, but he might or might not…

A/A/N: Sorry it took long to update, but I managed to scrape a B in Bio, thus the reason I wasn't updating…W00t!!!

A/A/A/N: hope those that chose the cookie enjoy it, and those that chose the boxers, don't try the care-bear stare at home, for the sake of all that is good, don't!!!


	5. The Title is too Long to Fit

REASON 5: CHO CHANG TRIED TO SEDUCE HIM USING CANNIBILISM YO ATTRACT HIM BUT SHE FAILED AND SHE DOESN'T REALLY COME OUT MUCH IN THIS CHAPTER BUT IT WAS THE ORIGINAL TITLE AND IM TOO LAZY TO CHANGE EVENTHOUGH TYPING THIS IS ABOUT TEN TIMES MORE WORK

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters from Harry Potter or any of the settings from Harry Potter…

A/N: This is the first of many seductions in the life of the boy we know as the emo Harry Potter.

A/A/N: sorry it took so long...I lost my USB and that's where I had all my chapters saved…and my life collapsed for about a month…but then I found it in my pocket and everything was good

* * *

REASON 5: CHO CHANG TRIED TO SEDUCE HIM USING CANNIBILISM YO ATTRACT HIM BUT SHE FAILED AND SHE DOESN'T REALLY COME OUT MUCH IN THIS CHAPTER BUT IT WAS THE ORIGINAL TITLE AND IM TOO LAZY TO CHANGE EVENTHOUGH TYPING THIS IS ABOUT TEN TIMES MORE WORK

"See you some other time!" yelled Sirius (in dog language, of course) to his favorite godson on the whole wide world which is not flat no matter what the government may say. Harry grudgingly walked up the steps leading to the train corridor and hauled his trunk after him hitting many distracted first years and perhaps crushing his stash.

"We should go find an empty compartment," said Hermione, once more stating the obvious.

"Well that would be the smartest thing to do, I think." said Ron, backing Hermione up as he always did. Harry rolled his eyes and his head, and then proceeded to rolling on the floor, attracting more unwanted attention to the emo boy-who-lived. They walked and walked and walked for what seemed like ages down the corridor of the train, and then Harry's urge to sit down, and have a smoke, got the better of him and they decided to barge into the nearest compartment. As they entered, a blonde girl with glasses and radish earrings took the time to look up from her upside down magazine and scanned every person about to enter the compartment previously occupied by only two people.

"Oh, hi Harry, and Hermione, and Ron." said Neville while caressing his plant which sat on his lap. The plant was feeling rather uncomfortable at the new closeness his owner had with him and kept trying to dodge the white hands of the boy half the size of half a giant. "Sit, please," he added pleadingly eager to get more companions within his reach.

"Is that Loony Luna?" said Ron in a rather loud whisper. Hermione nudged him in the ribs and proceeded to smiling in a creepy manner to Luna whom ignored Hermione and continued to read The Quibbler.

"Ouch!" yelled somebody from the seat that Hermione just tried to plant her buttocks on.

"Who's there?" she asked as she took out her wand and circled the room.

"It's Ginny," said the mysterious voice, "How dare you sit on me!"

"Oh, sorry Ginny," replied Hermione rather sheepishly. "Well, Ron and I have to go to prefect duty"

"But the train hasn't even started yet." said Ron. As if on cue, the train began to move and the whistle billowed calling all prefects.

"Let's go Ron!"

"but-"

"NOW!!" Hermione grabbed Ron's hand and pulled him off of his seat and dragged him to the door and down the corridor.

"DON'T LEAVE ME! I'M SO ALONE! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!" yelled Harry as he saw his two best friends walking away, abandoning him, as many people in his life already had. He witnessed them depart, hand in hand, leaving him alone in the world once more. He sat, coming to the decision that they wouldn't return anytime soon and slowly tilted his head down, determined to stare at the ground for the next hour or so.

"Look at my PLANT!!" yelled Neville as he pushed his plant towards Harry.

"It's lovely Neville," said Harry, pushing the plant away.

"You didn't even look at it," whined Neville. He scanned the room searching for an unsuspecting victim and soon settled for Ginny.

"Ginny! My plant is splendiferous isn't it!" he yelled at the red head girl.

"Yes Neville," she replied dully, "It's splendiferously splendiferous."

"Stroke it!!" he demanded. "STROKE IT NOW!!" Ginny stretched her hands out and reached for the horrid, vile thing clutched tightly by Neville.

Time appeared to slow as her hand came closer to the sad excuse for a plant. Hermione and Ron pulled apart from each other's tight embrace, Harry stopped being emo, Kreacher stopped cheating on Harry with Witherwings, and Sirius rose from his chair.

And then contact was made. She moved her hand over its rough, coarse surface carefully and then stopped when she realized time had slowed.

"It's very nice Neville,"

"Isn't it," he replied, "very satisfying to stroke and caress and embrace wouldn't you say Ginny."

"Yes, yes it is," she said, already making plots in her head to steal the new love of her life.

"NO!" she told herself after a moments thought, "I already have my one true love."

"Who is it?" asked Harry, eager to get some gossip.

"Why?" she taunted, "Are you jealous?"

"No. My heart is taken by a strong, masculine, man whose muscles move gracefully when he breathes deeply, like the throb of a frog's throat. His legs go on for miles and they are chiseled perfectly, as if they were the work of gods. And his wand. It's so-"

"WAIT! So, Harry, you're…gay," she said cutting him off before his description of his one true love got any more vivid. Luna looked up from her magazine and stared at the two: Ginny, with hope escaping from every inch of her body, eyes tearing up slowly, and Harry, with a sly, seductive grin of his face, thinking about his love, oblivious to Ginny's sentiments towards him.

"No, of course not, I meant a masculine _woman. _I love women." He said in a desperate attempt to stop Ginny from tearing up. Merlin knows what Fred, George, Ron, Charlie, and Bill would have done to him if he made her cry, though it would take a while for Charlie and Bill to arrive to physically torture him, nonetheless, he was scared of them.

"Right," she said in a perky voice, "I'll be going now." She got up to leave, but something green was stuck to the bottom of her shoe and prevented her from picking up her foot. She inspected it, carefully, for about a half hour, and then came to a conclusion.

"Neville," she said, "I think I stepped on your plant's egg sack." As soon as those words escaped her mouth, the party wished they hadn't.

**Kablaam!! Boom!! Bang!! Alakazam!! Avada Kedavra!!**

The group was instantaneously covered in green goop that emitted from the rear end of Neville's plant. Where that was, no one had the courage to ask.

"Hm, tastes like lemon grass." said Luna as she put her finger in her mouth and savored the goop that covered every inch of the room.

"Ahem,"

"Grr," growled Harry as he reminisced about the previous week when Ron had gotten the prefects badge rather than him, for some strange inexplicable reason, this moment reminded him of it. _I definitely deserve it, _he thought, _I've done so much more than him, and I'm better looking. _

"Harry are you okay mate?" asked Neville when he saw Harry run his hand down his 'built' chest and close to, if not touching, the area that Buckbeak had injured previously.

"Yes, I'm fine," he replied and stopped abruptly, cursing Neville under his breath for stopping him.

"Ooh, I'll say." said somebody from the doors.

"Say what?" asked Harry absentmindedly.

"That you're fine." Replied the same squealy voice that could easily be mistaken for a Macaw's mating call.

"Well I am."

"I mean, you're a fine piece of meat."

"Sorry Cho, but I'm not into cannibalism."

"Shame, 'cause you would be delicious."

"I _am _delicious girlfriend," he said snapping his fingers, "so don't go sayin' I ain't."

"Well, see you later Harry, you sexy beast."

"Harry!" yelled a dazed Neville. "That was Cho Chang! Don't you like her?"

"Where'd you get that from," he scoffed while he resorted back to his previous task of caressing himself while making sure no one noticed.

"I SAID," he yelled, a bit louder this time, "DON'T YOU LIKE HER!!"

"How would you know, you don't know my inner most thoughts."

"Actually," said Luna, taking time away from eating the Stinksap, "there is the Gobblewart's Theory which clearly states that a meek nobody whom people think might amount to something may be able to understand the thoughts of a prepubescent, hormonal, bipolar 15-year-old frequently referred to as a 'hero' or 'golden-boy' for facing evils that are to stupid to execute the most obvious plans. And those meek nobodies that people think might amount to something usually turn into pedophiles when the turn 30 and go after a prepubescent, hormonal, bipolar 15-year-old boys."

"That makes perfect sense," said Harry, rolling his eyes.

"Now _that_ was exhausting," said Hermione wiping her forehead with Ron following after her."

"So who else is a prefect?" asked Harry trying to hide the spite in his words but failing miserably.

"Why are you covered in green goop?" asked Ron, mimicking the spitefulness Harry had shown. While the people in the compartment shared a momentary pause (all except for Luna), Luna took this chance to inspect the people that had joined the party. She rose form her seat and walked over to the red head and pulled out a strand of his hair.

"Bloody hell!" she said and then returned to her seat as she felt the pause end.

"You know, you went to the Yule Ball with Padma Patil." She said to everyone's surprise.

"Yea, I know" he said, looking mildly surprised.

"She didn't like and said her feat smelled and that you never asked her to dance. I wouldn't have minded," she added thoughtfully, "I don't like dancing very much."

Ron raised his eyebrow quizzically and looked for Ginny, searching for an explanation, knowing very well that this girl was in her year. He finally found her after about ten minutes, but the sight was not one he was prepared for. He saw her shove her fist into her mouth as if trying to swallow herself whole and the fact that she had a hungry look on her face made him think he was right.

"Ginny, what-"

"When did you get here?" asked Harry, rudely interrupting Ron.

"I've been here for ages." She said with a smile on her face. _He cares for me, _she thought, _why else would he be worried about me. He really cares._

"Could you clean us up, I know you know the spell. I know everything." said Harry trying to seem sinister or menacing in hopes that his love would notice him more.

"Why of course I would, Harry." She replied. "_Scourgify!" _she yelled and the compartment was instantaneously wiped clean with huge windshield wipers that went "whoosh". _Damnit!! That was my food!!! Curse you Ginny Weasley!!! Curse you into oblivion!! _Yelled Luna inside her mind, or maybe she yelled it aloud because everybody stared at her, but she didn't care, she still had her magazine with her and had proven Gronfurt Gobblewart's theory correct.

* * *

A/N: no appearance by Voldybutt and his wonderful group of wand-waving fairies. I am sad. I thought it was long enough and didn't want to continue it, but nothing is ever long enough. 


	6. Umbridge wants Him

**REASON 6 - PART 1: THE NEW TEACHER WANTS HIM**

A/N: this one is really short.but its long enough. my friend advised to post it like this. it is the original iuncomplete chapter (or something like that) and she thought it would be cool to end it on a "cliff".

A/A/N: if you find yourself not understanding this chapter, dont aske me for help.

**Disclaimer:** I dont own Harry Potter or Umbridge's uncontrollable feelings for the scarred boy. She has always had them and they have always been evident.

* * *

"Wow," said Harry while he rested his head on the palms of his hands. "That hat has a way with words." 

"Indeed he does." agreed Nearly Headless Nick as he descended from the bewitched ceiling.

"Nearly headless, how can you be nearly hea-" asked Hermione.

"We already went through this Hermione." replied Ronald Weasley.

"Did not!" she exclaimed defiantly. "I am angry at you Mr. Ronald and will not talk to you for the rest of the day!"

"Don't do it Hermione!" pleaded Harry. "You'll put me in the middle of everything and force me to be a messenger. Don't you think my life is bad enough! Excuse me, Zacky," he said to a furious looking Zacharias Smith as he attempted to get on the table. "My parents died at the hand of Voldemort! I live with a bunch of #$ people and-" he continued, but everybody chose to ignore him. Their eyes were transfixed on the frog-like divinity that stole center stage from the ever so wise Dumbledore.

"Ahem," said the Frog-lady. "Ahem," she said again.

"Yes Mistress," replied everyone except for Dumbledore, Filch, Snape, Flitwick, Draco, Blaise, Dean, Seamus, and Harry (and the twins (Fred and George, not the Patil ones), but they weren't even there because they were busy making stuff for the shop).

"I love all the happy little faces looking at me. And I'm sure we'll all be friends. And-" but everybody stopped listening and decided that the fine divinity talking was nothing more than a mutated frog.

"Oi," said Dean, looking at Seamus, his hand on his knee, "she's like the ninja turtles, but they are so much hotter, and I betcha she can't swing num-chucks."

"I can," replied Seamus seductively.

"Why can't I have a relationship like that!!" exclaimed Harry suddenly causing Dean and Seamus to blush. "I'm so alone!! Nobody ever talks to me calmly with sexual innuendo!! Why can't I have a normal life!"

"I'm here Harry!! I'll do anything you want and more!!" yelled Ginny and Cho at the same time.

"No thanks, I'm good, I just remembered I've got somebody back at the manor. Thanks anyway. I'll call you Cho if I ever want to be eaten." he said wiping his 'tears' from his shirt.

"Oh my," whispered Dolores Umbridge under her breath, her heart beating rapidly like the time the frog by the lake winked at her when she arrived at Hogwarts. "I have got to get me that man in my office. IMMEDIATELY!"

* * *

A/N: no appearance by the dark people again. it makes me sad again. 


	7. The Teacher Tried to Seduce Him

**REASON 6, PART 2: THE TEACHER TRIED TO SEDUCE HIM**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. If I did so many things would be different. So many things.

**A/N:** SUMMER!!!!!! w00t!!!!!

* * *

"Here you go master," said Wormtail shakily while he passed the popcorn to Voldemort, the man with the moldy butt. 

"Ack!!" yelled Voldemort upon tasting it. "You insignificant ingrate!!! This has BUTTER!!!!! Do you not know what that will do to my perfect physique?!?! You are worse than the mold on my butt!!!!"

"I wish I was the mold on your but." muttered Wormtail under his breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing master."

"Good! Now go bring me my popcorn. I have a show to watch."

* * *

"It's the first day of school. Yay." said Harry sarcastically. 

"Yay indeed!!" exclaimed an overly joyous Hermione. "I can't wait to meet all of our teachers and learn from them all."

"Me neither!" added Ron quickly, hopelessly hoping that she would notice him.

"So what classes have we got today?" asked Harry while trying to get his un-manageable hair to cover his eyes.

"We have that frog-lady today," replied Ron dully.

"Ooh," said Hermione, "I wonder how she will teach us."

"Me too!" added Ron.

Their classes went by quickly. The teachers all talked about O.W.L.'s and Dean refused to acknowledge his existence, partly because he knew his and Seamus' secret and partly because he thought everything that came out of his mouth was preposterous, but more because he knew about his secret. Nothing eventful happened until they got to the frog-lady's class.

"Put way your quills." said the frog-lady in her sickly-sweet voice as she closed the doors to the classroom.

"But Professor, this is Defense Against the Dark Arts. You can't possibly learn how to use defensive spells without wands." retorted Hermione.

"I said put your quills away, but you have changed my mind, so take out your books and put away your wands."

The class groaned. This class was doomed to be boring, and this made Harry feel emo-er.

"Open your books and fill your heads with knowledge until they explode!!" yelled the mutated frog.

This saddened Harry even more and caused him to try to cover half of his face with his hair until he noticed Hermione waving her hand frantically in the air as if it was on fire.

"Are you on fire?" asked Ms. Frog-lady.

"No ma'am," replied Hermione, "I was just wondering if this was all we would ever do in class."

"What do you mean by _'thi_s_'_?"

"I mean read. We need to learn how to use defensive spells rather than just know about them."

"Tell me, do you ever plan on being attacked by anyone inside Hogwarts."

"Well, maybe Malfoy, but now that You-know-who is back, we should learn how to use them." said Hermione, causing Harry to listen as he heard Malfoy's name spoken.

"Who told you You-know-who was back? He isn't. Whoever said that must have been on drugs."

"_Well, I was high that day, but he did return. And then all the pretty ghosts appeared and all the bright lights came out of my wand and it was cool."_ thought Harry, reminiscing about the day eh carried Cedric in his arms.

"Furthermore," continued Umbridge, "he is dead for good."

At this point, Harry was aggravated that he was being called a drugged-up liar by a mutated frog and decided to take a stand.

"He is back!!" he yelled as he stood up and climbed on his desk-type thing/table.

"_This is the same man from yesterday," _thought Umbridge, "_I want him now more than ever."_

"That is a lie young man. Go to McGonagall's office now and give her this." she said, quickly scribbling something on a piece of pink scented paper.

Harry angrily got off his imaginary pedestal and stomped angrily towards the mutated frog.

"_That's it boy. Come to me."_ thought Umbridge while Harry was approaching her. "_Now grab the paper and brush your hand against mine."_

To Umbridge's dismay, Harry did not make any physical contact with her afraid that if he got too close he would catch some radiation emitting from her sweat glands and mutate into a frog.

"_I cannot be a frog!!! My beloved doesn't like frogs; he likes snakes, the long ones." _He thought naughtily. Umbridge's lustful grin quickly turned to one of hidden disappointment now that her prey was leaving.

"Worry not, I will meet him again tonight." She said to herself, a bit too loud.

Harry walked gloomily to McGonagall's office sniffing the paper on the way. It wasn't long before he noticed the hearts bordering the paper with the words "emo boy" written inside of them.

"_Hmm, emo boy, I wonder who that could be,_" he thought. "_Dean's black, but he isn't emo. Draco said I was starting to act emo at the end of last term. Could this refer to me?_"

"Hello Harry," said McGonagall barely looking up from her paperwork.

"_What the hell does he think he's doing?!?!? Can't he see I have loads of paperwork to complete! How dare he come at a time like this! I should kill him right now. Yes, I think that's what I should do. He's too much trouble anyway." _thought McGonagall.

"Umbridge told me to give you this." said Harry, absentmindedly walking towards one of the many fluffy cushions to take a seat.

"_Well, that changing everything."_ thought McGonagall as her facial expression turned from a grimace to a grin.

"Well, Potter, seems like you will have detention with her tonight."

"Is that it?"

"What, do you want there to be more? Aren't you satisfied with spending an hour with the newest addition to our staff at night? How selfish are you? This type of attitude will not be tolerated in Gryffindor. Ten points from Ravenclaw!"

"But I'm on Gryffindor,"

"Yes, but Ravenclaw is in the lead. Now leave, can't you see I have a lot of paperwork to do."

Harry walked away gloomily. Everywhere he went he was told to leave within minutes of entering. He felt unwanted, neglected, alone. But he would feel wanted soon enough; Umbridge would make sure of that.

The rest of the day zoomed by. Perhaps it could have been because Umbridge somehow bewitched time to go faster so that she wouldn't have to wait as long to be reunited with her prey, but nobody ever took the time to look into it and find out.

Harry walked slowly to what he thought would be his doom.

"I have to go to the mutated lady for detention. Yay!" he said aloud, sarcastically of course. As he walked he realized that the fact that he was actually going to obey and go to detention frightened and saddened him at the same time. He tried to flatten his hair and move it to the front of his face to reflect his mood, but no matter how hard he tried his hair refused to listen.

"He's almost here!!!" yelled Umbridge while she jumped up and down causing the castle to quake. She heard his footsteps approaching with her supersonic hearing and quickly ran over to her desk and sat down.

"Enter," she said, trying to use her most seductive voice.

"Was that a banshee?" asked Harry. "You are torturing a banshee and causing it to yell like a frog!! What kind of mutant are you!!"

"Um, no," she said, flushing a deep shade of red. "Sit down in that desk." She said pointing to the only desk in the room. "And stay still while I look at you seductively," she whispered, a bit too loudly.

"What?!" inquired Harry.

"What."

"Are you trying to seduce me?!" he said, his voice getting high pitched from his panic.

"Maybe," replied Umbridge slyly, or what she thought was seductive. She climbed up to her desk, which took a lot of effort, but she was determined to make it. She lay down and stretched out her legs and attempted to do one of the poses like the ones the people sometimes do when they get on top of pianos, but failed miserably. She only succeeded in making herself look like a stretched out frog and more unattractive.

"_Merlin help me," _thought Harry, "_why must I be wanted by all?"_

"Well," said weed #7, "it's because you're week-minded, gullible, easily manipulated, and a teenager. Does that answer your question?"

Harry whimpered. He never thought he was any of those things, except for the teenager one. He stared at the floor and bewitched a sheet of paper to turn in to a cloud and rain on him.

"_His hair is wet and matted down. His shirt is plastered to his skin outlining his body perfectly. His pose is one worthy of Adonis. And his epicene features are more apparent than ever. I love him."_ thought Umbridge while she concocted a plan to get him to be hers.

"Ahem," she said. Harry ignored her.

"Ahem!!" she said again, this time more demanding than before. Harry still ignored her.

"Ahem!!!!!!" she yelled this time inches away from his face, much to her pleasure but Harry's discomfort.

"What?!?!" replied Harry in an aggravated tone making it evident that he did not appreciate his emo moments being interrupted.

"_How dare he ignore me!?! Nobody has the right to ignore me!!! ME!!! The prime minister's suck up!!!! HE WILL PAY!!!!!!" _she thought grunting in the emphasized syllables.

"I just wanted to tell you that you will be writing lines with your own blood. How is this possible you ask, well, I have a magic quill that will pierce your skin when you write with it on parchment and it will use the blood from that opening to write." She said while tossing the stuff to him.

"_Hmm."_ Thought Harry. "_I wonder where she got these from. I could use one. It would be a lot more easier than a wand."_

"Look for it on eBay," whispered weed #7.

"Great idea," he said.

"Thank you." Replied Umbridge.

"I wasn't referring to you."

* * *

(Umbridge's face-- (sad face) )

* * *

Harry kept his head down afraid to look up. And it was a good thing too, for if he looked up he would have found his teacher making suggestive notions at him. But these notions from Umbridge had a sort of aura, and no matter how hard he tried, Harry could feel them aimed at him. He was grateful for one thing though, he found another must have emo item to add to his collection. 

Later that night, Harry thought back to his detention with Dolores and one question kept popping into his mind; why did she own that pen?

**

* * *

A/N:** If you thought this chapter was crappy you are not alone!!! The ideas just weren't flowing!!!!! THEY WEREN'T FLOWING!!!!!!! 


	8. Ron is Bigger

I think one of them has gone blind!!!!!! Aw. He's sulking. And the other one is staring. Bless you. She's inside the can. And he's in the corner. Probably in denial. Whoa?! Is she trying to…rape him…

**REASON SEVEN: HE ISN'T AS BIG AS HE THOUGHT HIMSELF TO BE**

**A/N:** My grammar is not perfect, my stories tend to have no point, Harry has infected me with a bit of his emo-ness, I have horrible time-management skills, I sometimes look down at the keyboard while typing because I still don't know all the keys even though I spend most of my time on the computer, typing, I have four band-aids on, most because of my locker, constipation isn't good, and I have recently found out that I am tired.

**A/A/N:** I can't believe they don't have house elves listed as characters! Hermione will have something to say about this! And now a spoiler...but i expect most, if not all, to have already finished the book, so I probably won't be spoiling anything. Poor Dobby!! Poor Snape!!! I knew he was good all along!! Albus Severus is very insecure... it's kind of hard to believe he's the son of the poster kid for depression...wait...no its not. Albus Severus conitnues his father's legacy!

**A/A/N**: "Suicide is not the answer!" I stole that from Kenshin Himora, the awesomest Battōsai ever!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter because I have not yet gone through menopause and decide to kill one of the more likeable characters in the series.

* * *

Harry was walking back to the common room after his third detention with Umbridge. He still wasn't over the fact that a 50 year old woman wanted to rape him and felt like talking to nobody. He wanted to walk back miserably thinking about his miserably miserable life and go into a miserable state of slumber with miserable dreams only to wake up another day and live through another miserably miserable day of his life. Everything was going as he wanted it to until he turned right. 

Ahead of him stood Ronald Weasley clutching a broom in his right hand.

_Oh no!! _thought Harry. _He will want to engage me in conversation. I must hide before he destroys my mood. _Harry inspected the hallway he was in looking desperately for a hiding place. _Turtledoves!!!! There's nowhere to hide. Why the hell did it have to be the hallway with a ton of gargoyle statues!!! Why couldn't there be a veil of some sort!! Damn it!!! Now I have to face him._

"Hello Ron," said Harry.

Upon hearing Harry's voice, Ron leaped into the air enthusiastically, threw the broom in his hand towards the nearest window, and ran over to hug his best friend.

"Hey there Harry, my BFF. What are you doing out so late at night?" said Ron whilst fidgeting with his fingers uneasily.

"What were you doing with a broom?" said Harry whilst trying to conceal his right hand.

"Nothing, I was ju-"

"Don't tell me you were sweeping?!?" shouted Harry wide-eyed. "They have house elves for that kind of rubbish, don't they."

They stood quietly for a couple of minutes. Ron was questioning what Harry had said and Harry was thinking about his favorite house elf, which was not Dobby. Dobby fell to the floor in tears when he learned he wasn't Harry's favorite. Then, when his body was out of tears, he resorted to throwing socks he made for Harry into the air and he burned them. He watched them burn to and told himself it was a part of his life that was going up in flames and not a sock with snitches on it. But Harry was unfazed by all of this, as was everyone else. They all continued with their lives as if they didn't even know of Dobby's existence.

"I was flying," said Ron, breaking the silence.

"Nonsense, you can't fly. Not unless you're an imposter!" Harry raised his brow quizzically and circled Ron. Then he came to a conclusion. "IMPOSTER!!! IMPOSTER!!!" he yelled up and down the hallway. It took Ron a couple of minutes to realize that Harry was referring to him, but by that time, Umbridge was out of her classroom (And that was quite a feat. She beat her previous time of 10 minutes.) and watching her prey run intently.

"Harry!!!! I'm not an imposter!!!!!" yelled Ron after Harry. Literally after him.

"Boys!!!" shouted Umbridge in her sickly-sweet voice. "What is the problem here?!!"

Harry and Ron stopped running. They looked at each other. They looked at Umbridge. They looked at each other again.

"My best friend is an imposter, the spawn of satan, and he doubles as a house elf!!!!" exclaimed Harry while pointing a menacing finger at Ron.

"You don't say," said Umbridge, slightly intrigued. "Tell me more, in detention everyday this week and the next week. Same time, same place. I'll be waiting." Umbridge turned and walked back to her classroom. She swayed her hips exaggeratedly and waved good bye to Harry before disappearing behind the stone wall.

Harry put on his mad face and stomped back to the Gryffindor common room with Ron trailing behind him.

"So Harry, I was thinking of trying out for the quidditch team. That's why I had a broom." Said Ron uneasily.

"_How dare he try out for quidditch?!?!?! That's MY thing!!! It's the only thing that makes me unique!!!! He knows that…but he's an imposter, so he doesn't know that. So I don't know that either, therefore, I should be happy fake-Ron is trying out for quidditch."_ Thought Harry. He turned around to face 'Ron' and put on a smile that resembled Umbridge's.

"That's great Ron. I really hope you make it."

"Thanks." Said Ron. He was happy to have his friend's approval. They walked in silence some more. But before long, Ron broke it, again.

"I think Umbridge likes me," said Ron, somewhat disgusted. Harry turned on his heal and faced his friend.

"WHAT?!?!?! SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!!! SHE HASN'T HAD YOU OVER IN HER ROOM FOR 'DETENTION'!!!! SHE DOESN'T SIGH WHENEVER SHE LOOKS AT YOU!!!! SHE DOESN'T GIVE YOU NOTES WITH LITTLE HEARTS AROUND IT!!!!! SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY LIKE YOU!!!" yelled Harry, his nostrils flaring.

"Well, if you put it that way, I guess she doesn't like me. And if she doesn't like me, then she must like you!" he said, putting two and two together.

"Yes, she does," said Harry, accepting what fate had thrown at him.

They walked in silence once more. Harry prayed to Merlin that Ron would stay quiet just long enough to step inside the common room, but no matter how much he begged Merlin, it just wouldn't work.

Then something amazing happened! Something that still shocks (and haunts) Harry to this day!

Harry turned to STONE!!! No he didn't, which is yet another reason why he's emo.

What really happened was that Harry slapped his forehead! Ron thought it was a regular act of emo-ness, so he kept on walking and talking. But nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

Harry collapsed. "Thunk" was the sound he made.

"I always thought he would be more of a thud," said Ron. And then Harry started moaning.

While Harry was unconsciously moaning, he was having a dream. It was a dream of ponies and daffodils and he was prancing along with a hooded figure. Then the hooded figure was unmasked. It was Voldemort, master of boas and tutus! He began to whisper in Harry's ear. He whispered bad things! Things that must be left to your imagination because if I wrote them down I would have to change the rating to M!

But the Wormtail appeared and he jumped between Harry and Moldybutt. Harry started to walk away slowly. Then he turned around, tripped over a snail and was cushioned by Umbridge's bosom! Harry didn't like it! He didn't like it! He did not want to have a rape baby nor did he want to be suffocated by a toad's chest, so he decided to wake up.

When he woke up he found himself in his bed with a weight on his chest. Not metaphorically, but literally. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it off. And the weight was massive! About six feet in length and 18 inches in width! He wiggled and jiggled and rolled over, but the weight wiggled and jiggled and rolled over along with him. Then it moved! It moved!

"Hullo Harry," said Ron, "'bout time you wake up. You've already missed half your classes."

"Really,"

"No, you haven't missed potions."

Upon hearing this news, Harry acquired an amazing amount of strength, rose from his bed, and banged his head on the wall.

"Angst. Angst. Angst."

"Harry, what are you doing?'

"Angst. Angst. Angst."

"Quidditch trials are today,"

"Angst. Angst. Angst."

"Your detention with Umbridge is today…"

"Angst. Angst. Angst."

"Do you need a hug?"

Ron began to approach Harry with open arms, but Harry was too quick. He pulled out his wand and was ready to kill him.

"Avada-you're not worth it. Angst. Angst. Angst."

"I AM worth it! My mom said so!" and with that, Ron ran away, tears streaming down his cheek and creating a nice glisten on the floor on which they fell.

Harry got dressed. He walked miserably to his class, avoiding contact with any living being. His classes droned on and he didn't bother listening. He was too busy wallowing in his self-pity.

Before he knew it, the clock had struck seven. It was time for Ron to take away the one thing Harry had left that he could call his own and time for him to get raped. He miserably walked to Umbridge's room. He had not eaten nor had he thought about bathing. The only thought occupying his mind was angst. He was addicted.

Umbridge did the usual. She crawled on her desk. Then she exposed her cleavage. Then she went on to try and grab his attention, but she had no success. Harry was much to distracted on what lay beyond the window, the small two-foot hole that was his only connection to the outside world. The sun was setting and it was getting dark, just the way he liked it. On the other side of the window were his 'quidditch buddies' and Ron. He couldn't forget Ron. The Ron that had becom his first friend First Year. Ron that was trying to steal one of the only things Harry was remotely good at. He couldn't swallow it. He was overcome with depression and knew of only one way to let it out. He looked at the sharp, pointy quill in his right hand, then at his left wrist. He raised his arm and then brought it down ruthlessly to slash at his wrist. Blood splattered on the ground. Umbridge was overtaken and turned on by all of this. She wanted nothing more than to lick Harry's wounds and caress his body.

The bell rang. Harry threw down the quill, picked up his book bag and left.

"Same time tomorrow," gasped Umbridge between moans.

Every five feet Harry would stop, put his bag down and bang his head against the wall.

He knew where he was headed and he hoped there would be a bloody massacre.

"Hey, Harry," yelled Ron when he saw his friend approach. The rest of the team had left and he was alone with an enraged emo teenager, but none of this fazed him.

"I think my try-out went quite well," he continued in the same cheery tone that made Harry feel like tearing out his heart and stabbing it while yelling "Stabby stab stab stab!"

"I have to go to the locker room and change, care to join me?" asked Ron with a smile plastered on his face.

"_The locker room is the perfect place to execute my plan,"_ Thought Harry. He agreed and followed Ron.

"At first I was like 'nah, I can't do this' but then I was like 'yeah, I can'. And so I did and now I'm like so excited cause I met get on the team and then we'll be like together!" yelled Ron. He expected Harry to respond, but Harry didn't.

"Harry, Harry! What are you looking at!" he yelled. Harry could not tear his gaze from Ron's reproductive organ. It looked exponentially larger than his own!

"Is, is it always that size?" asked Harry hesitantly.

"Course it is, isn't yours the same," replied Ron.

"I'm slightly smaller than you," said Harry, trying to avoid the inevitable.

"Lets see it."

"What?!"

"I said lets see it!" Ron pulled down Harry's pants and boxers (or was it briefs…I forget).

"No way!" yelled Ron. Harry blushed. He was furiously trying to pull up his pants, but for some odd inexplicable reason, he could not get them to come up past the knee.

"So what would you say that was, about three centimeters," teased Ron.

"Shut up Ron!" Harry had finally succeeded in pulling up his pants. He hadn't thought he was _that_ small, but now that he knew, he had yet another reason to be emo.

Ron walked out of the locker room babbling about Harry's size.

This was all too much for Harry. He couldn't take much more of it. So he did the only thing he could and crawled up into the fetal position and cried in a corner.

"Why does this always happen to? Why me? Why me!!!" he yelled out. He had no idea how he would face the break of dawn tomorrow and he felt stupider now that he had lost a couple hundred, if not thousand, brain cells.

**A/N:** The last bit sounded kind of serious…Have I lost my gift of mocking?!

I have planned to post the Christmas special on Christmas. Aren't I original…

Now to read a Canticle for Leibowitz. It's quite interesting really. It's about this monk that I suspect may be on crack because he may be having illusions, or they could be real. I like it. It leaves a lot up to the reader's imagination.


	9. Erotic Play Toy

**A/N: **I decided to skip a couple of reasons and go straight to the Christmas special…since it is Christmas. I think that makes sense. Maybe I'll do the other ones that I skipped at a later time and just change the time period. Yea, I think I'll do that. My rambling has now left me with 2 hours and 27 minutes to write up this chapter. I think that will be enough. At the request of one reviewer whose pen name I cannot remember. I think it starts with an A. Anyways, without further delay, I present to you **REASON 8. **

**A/A/N:** I know I said the chapter would come without further delay, but I lied. I read the intro to the original chapter 8 I had planned and it shows some promise. It starts off with bare feet, lost scarves, and a waning gibbous.

**REASON 8: **HE WAS INVOLUNTARILY (OR SO HE SAYS) USED AS AN EROTIC PLAY TOY DURING CHRISTMAS VACATION

**A/A/A/N: **I have decided to use the beginning I had for the original chapter 8. It won't progress in the way I had originally planned it, but it will be good enough.

**A/A/A/AN: **My arms are on the verge of falling off…that Dragonforce song on GH3 should not be played continuously, nonstop for hours…the pain! Yea, so don't scrutinize me if you find a typo out there. I'll try to eradicate them using F7, a great tool which the neighboring school knows not of. Hehe. That was an inside joke. Don't think that I am trying to increase the length of this chapter by making half page author's notes. I would never do that. I am ashamed that you would even think of such a thing. The game calls once more.

**REASON 8**

It was the best time the moon had ever seen; it was the worst time the moon had ever seen.

Harry walked alone under the light of the moon. He was wandering, and thinking, but mostly wandering. The left side of his face was illuminated and created a visible glow in the darkness of the night. His hands were in his pockets, shielded from the harsh winter air. His scarf had fallen somewhere along the way. His sweater was torn at the hem and uncovered a patch of skin when the wind blew. He however, took no notice of this. It was as if he had a secret source of heat, a powerful secret source of heat.

His feet grew tired of walking. He decided to take a short rest and stopped under a tree. He sat and took off his stockings, the only piece of cloth shielding his feet. He stared into the lake. He noticed the reflection of the moon and couldn't help but look up at the real moon. It was a waning gibbous, of course he had seen it before, but this time there was something different.

At the quidditch field, Draco was flying around aimlessly wondering what to do. His back hurt, as did his neck, but he hardly noticed the pain. He felt empty and stupid. Stupid for feeling empty and not being able to carry out his father's wishes and empty because he had become so obsessed in getting his father's wishes done that he pushed every body away.

"Not that I had anybody that cared for me to begin with," he muttered to himself.

The wind blew once more. Draco had stupidly forgotten his sweater in his rush to leave the Slytherin common room. He had only a simple t-shirt on, black pants, and his shoes, with socks of course. He looked down at his socks. He loved those socks. He had received them mysteriously last Valentines Day. He remembered that day clearly. He had woken up. He was sickened by the overuse of red, pink, and cupids all over. He didn't exactly feel in the spirits to do anything no matter how much Pansy urged him. At the end of the day he saw a box covered in green, quite different from the red he had seen plastered all over the walls all day. He tore open the gift savagely and opened the box. Inside laid a pair of socks, perfectly folded. They were grey with green stripes outlined in black. On the sides lay the Slytherin crest, delicately embroidered to perfection. He loved them instantaneously and didn't even mind the red and gold lining on the inside.

He kept on staring down at his socks as if in a trance. Finally, after almost going into a state of hypothermia from the lack of extra coverage, he got up and walked back to the castle, solemnly, thinking about his wonderful socks.

Harry was still sitting down beside the lake looking up at the moon. He was in a state of serenity at long last. He hadn't even noticed the fact that his toes were turning purple. He heard a branch break not too far away. He turned around and looked for the origin of the broken branch. He easily spotted the blond under the light of the moon. Draco's shirt had gotten caught on the branch of a tree on his way back to the castle. It had ripped his shirt halfway and scratched his torso. Draco instinctively put his hand to his torso and continued to walk. Unfortunately for him, not Harry, the thread from his shirt was still caught on the tree and caused his shirt to shorten in length.

"Gah!" he groaned exasperatedly and threw his hands up in the air. He decided to take off his shirt and leave it lying on the ground.

Harry stared at the now shirtless Draco unable to avert his gaze. He watched as the moonlight shone on Draco's sculpted body as he walked over to the front doors. He admired the way his hair flew in the wind. He liked the way Draco crossed his muscular arms across his torso and shivered every time the wind blue. Harry sighed at the beauty he was witnessing. He wished he could run over and make Draco warm, preferably with friction. However, he just sat and watched as the epitome of sexiness walked yards in front of him into the castle.

As soon as Draco was inside, Harry ran over to pick up the remains of his shirt. He untangled it for the ruthless tree and its branch and rubbed it against his cheek. After spreading Draco's skin cells all over his face, he headed back inside to the warmth and safety of Hogwarts.

At night, Harry experienced a horrifying dream. He realized that Cho was having an effect on him and he was actually trying out cannibalism. Shortly after, he remembered he was a snake in his dream.

'Hmm, so the snake and I were one… well, I do like snakes, especially the long, slimy ones.' He thought. McGonagall was soon with him and he explained it all, but he left out the cannibalistic feelings he felt.

"You must go see the Headmaster at once!" she demanded. Harry complied and skipped over to Dumbledore's office. There he and Dumbledore had a nice little talk about tea and crumpets and goats and dark wizards they had once thought of running off with. It was a nice little chat that they both enjoyed very much, but the happiness was soon interrupted by that old roué on the wall. Yea, that's the one.

"Dumbledore, turns out Arthur Weasley is injured. He's bleeding all over, I tell ya. Yep, more than a wanker on the fourth of July."

"Er, Mr. Black, what is the significance of the fourth of July?" asked Harry.

"How dare you suggest that I am American!? Filthy non-pureblood thing! I am 100 British! If I weren't British I wouldn't have this nice little British accent. I've never even been to America in my life…except for that one time with that tranny, and then there was that goat. Oh, good times, good times."

Harry and Dumbledore glanced around the room until Dumbledore came up with an idea.

"Excellent, good thinking my little minions. McGonagall!" he called, "fetch the Weasleys. Tell them that their father is on the verge of death. Yes, that is sure to make them happy. Very happy indeed."

"Right away, sir."

Harry and Dumbledore talked some more about dark wizards, long, powerful wands, and things of that nature until the Weasleys rudely intruded.

"How rude of you to intrude," said Dumbledore.

"Well, McGonagall," said George.

"The old bag-" said Fred.

"Said you had called us." Said George again.

"Yea, she said our dad was dying-"

"Or something like that…"

"Ah, yes. He is. He's getting help and all that good stuff, so he probably won't die. I'll let you leave early, but not out of sympathy but because I would like to have one week without the lot of you and see how the school functions. Surely, pandemonium and chaos will ensue but that's nothing that can't be dealt with a good ol' curse."

"So we can leave?" asked Ron.

"Yes."

"Me too," asked Harry.

"No, you must stay and suffer the dire consequences of dreaming. You will stay here until your brain explodes and sends out clovers and rainbows and things of that sort!"

Harry went into the fetal position in one corner of Dumbledore's circular office.

"I was just kidding, chap. You'll leave with them. Off you go now. Cheerio, teas and crumpets now."

**++this represents a time lapse++**

Some funky stuff had happened at Number Twelve Grimmauld place, stuff that will not be mentioned. Luckily, Harry had survived and now it was Christmas Eve. Hermione had joined the group and was rooming with Ginny. Buckbeak…wait NO, Witherwings, did not appreciate this at all. They stayed up till dawn gossiping and talking about bed sheets and quilts and socks and gossiping some more. Witherwings had not slept since Hermione had arrived and hated her more than ever. However, he did learn that on the 5th of November, Quincy was seen snogging a fourth year behind a tapestry and then Ebby, who was with Quincy at the time, saw them two days later. Anyways, he abruptly broke off their relationship and now she like Patrick who turns out leans both ways and like Quincy but Quincy misses Ebby and is trying to get her back and now Peeves reeks of rotten eggs.

It was almost midnight. Everybody was gathered around a tree Sirius had set up and were waiting to grab, or wrestle, there presents out from under there. They did the clichéd countdown and when the clock struck twelve, chaos happened. Sirius' mother yelled like never before, paper was being thrown everywhere, and blood was shooting out randomly.

Our gallant hero, however, stayed back and stood nonchalantly next to the wall. He had decided long ago that he probably had no presents and would stay back to watch people get hurt. Yea, that always helped put him out of his misery. After the savage games were over, Harry's presents surfaced and he opened them, all but one. It said _to my future master _in bad writing, worse than a newborn's writing, but the legibility doesn't count, the thought does. Harry didn't open it thinking that it might be hexed or that it might be from some old roué, although he secretly wished they were a pair of pink, fluffy handcuffs. He desperately needed those.

After all was settled and everyone had grown tired of their presents, the feast began. They had roast beast, lentils, and corn, lots and lots of corn. Unbeknownst to everyone there, Witherwings had added a bit (three bottles) of Viagra to Hermione's dish. The next day Kreacher informed that she was indeed a female but that the Viagra still worked for some strange inexplicable reason. Poor, naïve Kreacher, if only he knew the truth.

Any who, Harry refused to eat.

"I am starving myself," he proclaimed to the seven seas, "until I am treated fairly and with respect." Moony rolled his eyes at him and told him that he would more than likely end up dying, but that didn't seem to faze him. He actually got happier…or so they thought.

An hour later, while Hermione was perusing through the house looking for a safe place to stash her unmentionables, she found Harry lying in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. She discretely picked him up and carried him downstairs.

"Kidnapper!" he exclaimed when he realized he had been moved.

"Harry, Harry calm down! I simply brought you so that you could accompany me." Replied Hermione.

"Accompany you where…" This all seemed a bit odd to Harry. Hermione refused to look him in the eye and she was extremely jittery.

"To a secret place, Harry. A place full of magic and wonder."

Harry simply rolled his eyes and followed her. He decided that his razor could wait a bit before it got a taste of his blood.

They walked for what seemed like hours in circles until they arrived at Kreacher's humble abode. Hermione went in first, pulling Harry in after her.

"I am simply going to leave this blanket here for Kreacher, as a little Christmas present," she explained. Harry couldn't care less. He wished she would hurry up so he could be reunited with his razor.

As Harry was crawling out, Hermione happened to trip on something and landed on top of Harry. She also succeeded in pulling down his shirt a considerable six inches. She looked up at him and his green eyes glistening in the light of the single candlestick illuminating the confined space. He looked down at her and thoughts of rape flooded his mind.

At that moment Kreacher came in. He looked at both at them for a split second then focused his gaze on Harry. Thoughts of this past summer came rushing into his head. He thought they had a special connection, but apparently he was wrong.

"Kreacher, it's not what you think," said Harry, afraid of loosing the short elf he had come to like.

"Future master doesn't like Kreacher. Future master would rather be with a filthy mudblood than with Kreacher," he spat, "Kreacher understands. Kreacher will leave them alone." Kreacher turned and began to walk away.

"No-" yelled Harry after him, but he was abruptly cut off by Hermione.

"Kreacher, join us," said Hermione in a manly voice. A voice that enticed Kreacher and brought him towards them. Kreacher entered his 'home' and laid on top pf Harry's leg.

"What is it that my future master has in his pocket," said Kreacher while poking Harry's pocket. Harry still had that unopened, mysterious gift with him. He decided now would be a good time as ever to open it. He opened it slowly and inside lay the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It was a pair of pink-leopard print handcuffs, not for two arms, but for four arms. Attached to his gift was a tag that read _from Kreacher _in the same horrendous handwriting on the package. Harry immediately embraced Kreacher.

Upon looking at the handcuffs, Hermione got a brilliant idea and decided to have some fun now that she was excited. She closed the doors and looked at Kreacher and Harry seductively. Not much time later, clanks and moans were being heard from that area. Sirius thought it was a busted pipe.

**++this represents a time lapse++**

Harry woke up the next afternoon with only boxers on and his new handcuffs attached to his arms. He vaguely remembered what had happened the night before. He tried to get up, but his rib hurt. He looked down and saw a bite mark. 'A violent night," he thought, 'eh, I've had worse.' He got up, walked over to the restroom and saw his kit there. He opened his baggy, took out his razor, and placed it carefully over his left wrist.

"I've been raped," he grunted as he slashed his wrist. He seemed to forget that he welcomed it and encouraged the use of the handcuffs for more than one individual.

The boy who lived was left scarred by an elf. He didn't want to admit that to himself and he most certainly wouldn't admit it to anybody else. He came out of the restroom feeling rather woozy, still in only his boxers and handcuffs. He didn't want to see unpleasant things today, but as he descended from the stairs he saw Snape, Severus Snape, the man he and his father loved to loathe.

**A/N: **this chapter is rather long…hand cramp…

**A/A/N:** I thought this chapter was odd…I blame that person whose name I cant seem to remember…names matter not, for my alliance is the force. You must feel the force around you.

**A/A/A/N: **I creeped myself out with this chapter…I wonder how they all fit in that one little room…cupboard…thing…snug fit, then again, Hermione likes it snug.

**A/A/A/A/N: **There is no point to this author's note, I just didn't like the three A's with one N. they equal to four. Four is a perfect square. I don't like squares.

**:'[** I got a rash from making tamales…and it hurts/itches.

yum. Hot chocolate.


	10. Snape Says Adieu

A/N: Blah. I don't like this story much. I went back and reread the first chapter and it sucks. So, I could say that I am deleting the story because I simply don't have time to write it at the moment but that isn't the excuse I'll give. I am deleting the story to support the writers' strike. Yea, that is my excuse. It sounds a lot better than saying I care more about school and have decided to write my thirteen essays instead of fanfiction or that I simply hate the story.

A/A/N: I will try and repost this story in the summer, if I have time that is. I might be too busy lying around in my house trying to escape the scathing heat.

If I weren't deleting this story then this chapter would have been about Snape wanting Harry and Harry not wanting Snape and Snape going emo because Harry didn't want him, but hey, like mother like son.

I bid you all adieu...in about seven days...when I delete the story.


End file.
